Oh no, its that moment again. A pause at the question, a split second to consider the answer. You know the answer, of course. You also know it will take more than five minutes to cover just about everything. You’re tempted to just scream “I DONT KNOW!” but you’ll end up scaring this nice new person away. You might scare them away if you answer anyway. So you begin.. “Well, have you ever heard the term TCK? No? Well, a TCK is….” Then its black or white. The “Oh, ok.” vs. the “Wow, thats awesome!” that determine whether or not the newly forged relationship will surpass an introduction and last a lifetime, or wither away by the end of the first day. I’m waiting to meet someone who wont ask me where I am from. A person who will simply meet me and need no more than who I am and where I am going. Until, about a year into the relationship, the persons asks “Where are you from anyway?” and it wouldn’t matter if I answered “I dont know” or began rambling on about Sociology terms. Its already been built.
So, you find yourself once again on the move…
Having had to deal with issues of rejection, misunderstanding and alienation over the years I have had time to think over the events of my life and draw some conclusions. I put them here for you to consider and disagree or agree with
A friend of mine had what I call a Leaving Moment, recently. I define this as a moment where you and others around you get together, realizing that your time together is almost over. It’s a time to appreciate each other and let your guard down.
I remember times like that. I remember the trip to Bali we took after I graduated from my school in Jakarta. I particularly remember how… pure it was. There was little in the way of politics, jealousy or whatever. Well there was, now that I think about it, but just a little. In the grand scheme of things it was a wonderful moment I’ll never forget in my life. I remember my very last night in Jakarta before I left for Michigan. I drank enough to throw up in a gutter next to a best friend’s house. I don’t remember if I cried that night, but the sadness of leaving stayed with me for almost a year.
I remember when I left Michigan. It was in stages. Even though it’s probably the lowest point of my life I remember finding it hard to leave. I remember my goodbyes when I left the dorms. I remember my goodbyes as I left on the day or two before I flew away.
The classmates I had in Le Bouveret, Switzerland still talk about our time there. Every week we celebrated because we knew it wouldn’t last. At the end we hugged, cried and despaired at an ending. We tried to patch it up when we got found each other again after our internships but it wasn’t the same. We were still friends, but things had changed. It wasn’t the same moment.
But nevertheless, I’ll never forget that last night when we finished. We went out, we drank and danced, and I walked home crying on one of my best friend’s shoulders, and spent the next two hours with her talking about it. There’s a video of me, still sniffing from the emotion of it, talking in interview with her.
I didn’t let it die there. But I get the feeling it would be the same if I left here. I had that feeling from those who left. That leaving party for those others who started with me was full of that feeling. The day or two before my roommate left were so full of activity in which people showed their love and friendship for someone special in their lives possibly leaving forever…
The friend I was talking to has only really had one of these moments, and it was her first. She’s a TCK and has left before, but never felt the intense group bonding which culminates in a moment like that. I have. Those moments never leave you, and always stay with you. But the intensity of that emotion leads you to think that those friendships are eternal, that this is something you’ll always share. In a way, you always have it, and for the most part it is something you’ll always have shared.
But life doesn’t stop for those moments. People grow up, and move on. The truth you felt then isn’t necessarily any less true, but the picture just gets bigger. It becomes part of the panorama of your life. Especially as TCKs, who’ve moved around and often continue to move around, it just doesn’t stop. LIfe doesn’t hold up to let you breathe in the moment very often and it’s good to take it in while you can… but it doesn’t last.
I never asked to be a Third Culture Kid. But somehow, life puts us through these circumstances and opens our eyes to worlds beyond the one that we are familiar with. Knowing more of this world, is it really that easy to accept a smaller role in life? I can’t imagine myself in some sort of career or one corner of the world not taking any active role in affecting the world for the better, nor can I settle for something small.
I dream of big things, whether it is being in the United Nations or high-ranking in a multi-national business or some sort of philanthropic organization. I dream of being educated well and being around or bringing together like-minded and experienced people. I dream of knowing that because I was born into strange circumstances, the advantage we have as TCKs is that we know more about the world beyond our arm’s length than the average person does, and can get ahead of them for that reason.
So imagine how I feel right now in my circumstances: homeless, jobless, penniless; without a family, without any stability, and recently betrayed by many so-called “friends” who dismissed me as a sociopath for blaming others for their inability to understand my different perspective and attitude towards life.
I have a bachelor’s degree from UCLA and all my family ever did before I lost them was tell me how I wasn’t valedictorian or how I didn’t have a useful subject for my degree, and that what I plan on studying for my master’s (East Asian Studies) is useless.
Very soon I will have no money or a place to go, and not much of a plan due to major unexpected changes in my life. Accessing the Internet from someone’s couch on their wireless, or living in a cardboard box in an alley; walking around feeling unworthy, maybe this situation will get better or worse. The nagging thought remaining in my head is this: with all that I could have been because of the idea I had about how unique and fortunate we TCKs are, I can’t help but feel worse about myself when I see how I have no direction or stability compared to the other TCKs I see.
One person says “at least you are used to uncertainty and transition as a TCK” but to lose everything I’ve mentioned in the span of a couple months just isn’t what being reluctantly dragged around the world prepares me for. Very different set of circumstances.
I guess I just feel hopeless now, especially seeing how great other TCKs can turn out to be, and look at myself as having no stability, no home, not many friends left to trust, no meaningful job, and completely broken. This is my life at 26, going on 27 years of utter failure.
I just broke up with my girlfriend after knowing each other several years recently, and near the end, all that understanding I thought she had about my background really makes me wonder how much of the self and the TCK label were what led to the misunderstandings with each other.
Many of the arguments that came were how I was always frustrated that she and other people just didn’t understand why I thought things the way I do, and how neither Chinese, Filipino, or American people get along with me, showing I must have some serious issues. It came to the point that she said that if everyone doesn’t understand, then I must have a problem, and if I keep blaming them for not understanding, then I am a sociopath.
How painful. I’m not normal, I am alienated and ostracized, and I am a sociopath.
How much of my problems are self-created? What about me is me, and what about me comes from being a TCK that creates this personality?
I still fall into the trap of thinking there is something wrong with me, and I believe it because everywhere I go, even when knowing I am a TCK, I just don’t think that explains a lot about what I feel is wrong with me.
Even if I try to keep my cool and understand others for not understanding me or what being a TCK is, I can’t help but look at the results of all this: even my own friends ostracize me (save for a few TCK and some understanding individuals), so I really think that even if a lot of my perspectives and experiences are the same as many TCK people, I still believe it is me who has serious problems.
But what do you expect? I am reinforced daily for all my shortcomings and failures with the way people treat me or dismiss me. It especially hurts when the person I have a lot of emotional investment in just throws it all back at me and all that understanding I thought she had went out the window as she left me.
Perhaps I shouldn’t even be writing this here. Maybe it is just a personal problem, not a TCK issue. Other TCK people I come across don’t seem to have as much ostracism, but again, who knows?
This is me at a very weak moment, pondering over a balcony ledge overlooking a city, thinking about spreading my arms and flying, then kissing the pavement.
Last night a couple of friends from my university days stayed over, after attending an alumni reunion on the previous day.
One was a guy who was born in Korea, moved to Canada when he was 13 and earned its citizenship, and at some point had also lived in Sri Lanka for an extended period. Another was an Indian who … well I don’t know his whole story.
Add to this my roommate whose parents were French and German, grew up in Sweden, and did the whole crazy Scandinavian backpacking tradition, even learning the Ho Chi Minh song. My neighbours/colleagues/fellow alumni came down too: one a Vietnamese girl who’d lived for some time in Singapore; one half-Swede, half Serbian; and a Bulgarian girl who’d grown up in Sweden.
All of us had known each other back in Switzerland. It was strange too, how we all knew one particular Swedish party song (or was it Norwegian?) which always, to me, brings back memories of all the Swedes and Norwegians suddenly jumping up and down together and singing along. It was songs like that, along with all the other Lebanese, Serbian and Spanish songs which somehow, everyone became familiar with, that created this huge shared experience.
And whenever we get together, we bring the world with us.
It’s possible that there are few places in the world which make you feel more like a TCK than here in America. Identity is a huge thing here, but rarely is it defined by nationality like in most of the rest of the world. Americans divide themselves on race, politics and religion, but simple nationality it rarely does: the general assumption is that everyone’s either American or not.
Therefore it always comes as a cultural shock to the American friends we make when they realize just how international we are, and this is made especially plain when we get together. These Americans friends have told me often that they feel inspired to travel, after meeting us. They feel so locked in, which is what America largely seems to do: It closes the borders and tells people that all that really matters is within those borders.
So…
In January 2010, I was hiking machupicchu when we noticed the time and began making out way back to catch the train to Cuzco. When we arrived we found out that a mudslide had taken out the train tack. After spending some time at the hot springs we found hostel to stay in. Not being able to get to sleep I went outside to look at the stars. Even though every one in the group I was traveling with had bonded I still did not feel like I fit in. A random guy staying that the hostel came out for a cigarette and we talked for hours. All the places we had live, “There was this one time in (insert random country here)†It was really nice to be able to have a conversation with out worrying about people thinking you’re stuck up. I know that I am a very luck person who gets to travel all the world, but it’s more of a life choice. I would rather spend my money and get to travel than save for the future. This ends up making most of my stories sound like: “There was this one time in insert random country here.†I am at a small school in New Jersey, were most of the students have never left this town. It’s nice to know that there are people who choose to live the way I do.
~Twist~
