It’s true and I am finally ready to confess it to the world. I’ve always known this. And I’ve told my daughter this. Few people believe me, even the conspiracy theorists refuse to acknowledge this simple fact. (I would have thought they would have been all over it, but no, they scorn me like everyone else.)

I have denied many other things involving JFK, the Roswell Incident, and a host of other important issues, but this one is something I refuse to cover up any longer. The Boyz at Langley be damned, I will not help them decieve the world any longer. Santa Claus has had many CIA operatives on the payroll for YEARS. Decades! And I’m no longer willing to lie about it.

The truth is: Santa Claus has sources in every intelligence network around the world. Yeah. He uses spies. This is how he knows if you’ve been “naughty or nice.” I know because I have spoken with Santa myself, through ham radio all the way from the jungles of Liberia, Africa to the North Pole, and also from Behshahr, Iran. There are no telephones there, but Santa has a ham radio that he uses for back up when the freezing temperature disables his phone lines. These days he also utilizes internet, and cell phones. His grasp of modern technology is astounding. He can even trace your IP address down to your physical address and visit you! He does this through his own extensive, intelligence network. It’s called North Pole Intelligence Service. They have hundreds of thousands of operatives in every country around the globe.

He knew my name as soon as he heard my voice! And he knew all about me! He knew where I lived, all the stuff in my room. He even knew I had lied to my mom about touching a dead snake but he said it was okay. He made sure the elves would bring along some anti-venin to sprinkle around my room just in case. And he told me never to lie to my mother again. And I didn’t.

Santa also has friends in the missionary fields. I know this because I helped him and his elves once, unload an entire plane load of Christmas presents for the local kids. They were so excited! And he even spoke their language, and it was so amazing how he can change skin color like that. He went from pink to brown in one year! He must have been visiting his other friends in Majorca, or Ibizia and spent lots of time on the beach. Maybe Gibraltar, because he once told me he thought Gibraltar was the ideal place to retire. Around the other kids, even those who were older than I, it was easy for me to be oh, so cavalier about it. “Of course, I’ve met him before…..we talk all the time…” People who think kids aren’t capable of “name dropping” have never been in diplomatic circles.

Have you met Santa? Does he have sources in your organization? I suspect his network is rather large, and that he probably relies on journalists, teachers, corporate global nomads, researchers, and IT professionals also. They seem like prime recruits for Santa’s modern intelligence gathering projects. If you have been approached by the North Pole Intelligence Service, and recruited as a spy, we at TCKidNews want to know about it. Contact us through the comment form.

To all my friends, and fellow travelers around the globe, I wish you a very blessed MERRY CHRISTMAS, a Happy New Year, and peace on earth, goodwill toward men, women and all children, both tall and small.

  1. Anonymous says:

    Wait a minute, there is also Indian English and many other kinds:

    Examples: “He is a real goondah”, i.e. “He is a real mafioso type guy”
    “Those guys were eve teasing”, i.e., “They were sexually harassing her”
    “He fired her”, i.e, “He yelled at her” (and not only “he dismissed her from her job”)

    In Malawi a person can introduce themselves by saying, “I am Precious”, Meaning, “My name is Precious” (this literally happened, and it is true, the person is precious”

    Anyone have other examples?

    Oh, and how about English words in other languages but with a different meaning. Such as, “panties” in Dutch means pantyhose.