I am Spilled Marbles

Posted: 7th October 2013 by admin in Uncategorized

I remember when I was fifteen or so, I first described myself as spilled marbles. It was true. I felt called in many directions, none to which I belonged apparently, or seemed to belong. 

I remember when I was lied to, or used as a pawn because my decisions were made for me. I wanted to stay in Mexico, but we moved. I wanted to grow up with my father, as any child would, and we were separated. I didn’t want him to be my stepfather, but they were married behind my back. Once I was a young adult, I wanted to be heard, but I was lied to as well and told only half the truth in exchange for things I saw little value in. No matter how loud I shouted, nobody understood. They just kept choosing what was “best” in their own world of who they were, which I did not fit. Seldom have people asked me, “What do YOU want, and why? Let’s see if we can make that work.” Now when things like this ARE said to me, I don’t believe it. It’s too late. What do they want from me? is what I think.

From what I have read from different sociology journal, TCKs tend have strong support from their parents (that’s more than one person) and the organizations that the parents belong to. I don’t think that applies to me at all. I get support only when I “succumb” to what they think is right for me which in the end I don’t see through because I know it is not right. 

As a TCK, or maybe just as a person, I have so many trust issues. Like the text above, I try to explain and understand why it is that I have become that way, but I don’t truly come to any one conclusion. I only know that I do not trust my peers. It makes me wonder how I will ever get married and raise a family if I can not trust fully. Without trust, fear thrives. There are times when I am so fearful, I cannot move; I am so untrusting of someone that I cannot function. I am convinced that I have been lied to, or something underhanded has happened.

What is it? It may or may not be related to my circumstances. I don’t know. At the end of the day, I’m just left confused, just like spilled marbles.

  1. Anonymous says:

    That sounds great! I think you and I are in a very similar ‘place’ right now.. I find I do the same as you described- I don’t sign in here regularily, just from time to time to reaffirm this part of my identity.  I’m glad you’ve found a rock and are comfortable  with your lot in life, sounds like a true blessing for you.  And I gotta say, as a TCK, thats a brave + bold move buying a house haha good for you!